I FELL IN LOVE AGAIN; ALL THINGS GO

.

sometimes you don't write in your blog for over two months, and you can't figure out how to start it back up. so you never do.

other times, you get invited to watch a taping of the Springer show, have a nightcap at the Reagle Beagle and then, while not entirely sure why, you jump right back into it.

so here i am. oddly inspired and unclear on how to bring anyone up to speed on my life. at least not in any sort of organized manner. so much has happened...i hardly know where to start. so i just will.

i've decided to get rid of my car. in the next week or so, i will buy a good road bike, and this will become my primary means of transportation. i could not be more excited. chicago is relatively flat, and biking (and conserving energy and waste in general) is one of my favorite parts of the city's culture.

i live in the neighborhood that is considered River West. my apartment is on Milwaukee ave, one of the few diagonal streets, and when i walk out my front door and turn left, i have a never-gets-old view of the downtown skyline. there is plenty to do within walking distance; Iguana and Swim Cafe among my first loves. my location is quite perfect, as is the fact that i can be anywhere in the city in less than 20 minutes by bicycle or train.

i recently began a second job doing personal assistant work for a screenplay writer. it's interesting and everchanging; my favorite part so far is editing/proofreading her stuff. i really do, as i always have, get some sort of weird pleasure out of correcting other people's work. something to think about perhaps. on the downside, i am sometimes tasked to rearrange her closets and pantries.

it is expensive to live here, but only if you spend foolishly. i watch every penny that enters my pocket now. i am learning to be financially responsible, thrifty, even cheap. i will never again step foot into a mall or department store and shop only at second-hand stores and locally owned boutiques. there are so many hats...hats everywhere. and books...books, books, books. i love digging through the $.50 book piles at the Salvation Army, and Myopic Books might be my favorite spot in the city to spend money. i am going to get a library card soon and actually use it. i acquire more books than i can keep up with right now. i learn something new every day...scratch that, every hour.

the city is noisy; new sounds everywhere. when its quiet late at night, i feel a train go under my apartment twice every hour. this does not annoy me...quite the opposite in fact. the garbage truck comes at the same time each morning...right outside my window. it used to wake me; now it intertwines with my sleep pattern.

i am surviving the worst winter chicago has seen in ten years. and it's ok. in fact, i recently witnessed the most beautiful, crystallized snowfall of my life. i now understand what it feels like to be lost in a snow globe.

the ratio of guys:girls in this city still amazes me. my advice to any female who has ever said (in that ridiculous, whiny voice) "all of the good ones are taaaken"....move to chicago. or any big city, for that matter. they are everywhere. and one so different from the next. they are interesting and funny and educated and traveled. they are from all over the globe and when you date them, they have not dated anyone you know. they are not distantly related to your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. they have never met your family. they don't ask what high school you attended. they are everywhere, and they are ready to take you, shake you and make you. and if that seems like too much, they are ready and willing to break you.

there are SO many shows and things to do; i love that my musical and social horizons have broadened significantly. no clubs, no waiting in lines for no reason, no dj's mashing together remixes of shitty top 40. i have seen real chicago jazz by a 79 year-old local legend and my favorite jukebox in the city (thus far) has nothing on it after 1970. i have played tambourine to some incredible raggae music by a man with dreads past his ass. i have danced to electronic dj's until my clothes are soaked in sweat and would do it every night if i could. i recently witnessed a 30 piece punk rock marching band, which was every bit as incredible as it sounds. i am doing all the things i pictured myself doing in some other life.

my drinking habits have adapted as well. thinking about it, i probably haven't had a cocktail since i moved from st. louis, aside from the occasional martini at the Matchbox (bar on the corner near my house). i still love my grand marnier, but other than that its an occasional shot of jameson and beer. lots and lots of beer. beer i've never heard of, beer i cannot get enough of and beer i'll never try again (i'm talking to you 9% abv Dragon's Milk).

i work a second job right now at a restaurant. i like everyone there and frequently stay after hours and have drinks with them...i consider them friends now and have learned so much from them already. occasionally, i sit in the parking garage next door and drink jack & cokes with the neighborhood valet drivers. this is not as strange as it seems.

i've also made friends with an old mexican man who wears sunglasses and overalls everyday. sometimes he keeps me out until sunrise when i have to be at work three hours later. i often give him rides home to the south side, and he repays me with tortillas from a taqueria next to his house. this actually is as strange as it seems.

i have also made my first real girlfriend that has never lived in or even visited st. louis. both of our fathers passed away when we were teenagers, and that is just the beginning of all we have in common. female friends don't come easy for me, so to relate to her on so many levels is a huge deal for me.

i am making time for things important to me. i am learning to recycle and think about the planet. i cannot wait for warmer weather to do rooftop yoga again and ride my bike up Lake Michigan. i am enrolling in dance in the spring and am re-familiarizing myself with spanish (gracias a los hombres que trabajan conmigo). i hope to save enough money to take another writing class or go back to school. i have no tangible future plans other than to learn as much as i possibly can.

i feel like my eyes are wide all the time; my head is on a swivel. i stood on the outskirts of history in november; amid a sea of hundreds of thousands of people who attended the obama rally. i fought very, very hard to keep tears from spilling down my cheeks. not because of my personal belief in his ability to pull our country back together, but because i've never physically SEEN hope like that anywhere before. literally, HOPE, written on faces, banners, sidewalks, buildings. written across an entire city.

it took a little time, but i can now say that i love my life. things are far from perfect. i am not making much money and still don't know what i will do for the years to come. sometimes the city shits on me, but the trials do not discourage me, they makes me feel at home.

i am different now; i don't know if my past would recognize me. i feel alive here in a way that i did not in St. Louis. sometimes i wish i could gather up all the people i care about and bring them here...all the people who seem to sprawl farther away from my grasp. i want them to feel the way that i do...to have this experience. i want them to walk out their front door and feel such overwhelming emotion that sometimes they stop on the sidewalk and look around in disbelief, unsure of whether to laugh or scream or cry.

then, just as quickly, it comes to me...like a punch in the stomach and a breath of fresh air. maybe they do feel that way, wherever they are, and that is why we are no longer standing on the same sidewalk. maybe they are living their lives, walking their sidewalks, losing their breath and feeling it rush back in again. for reasons that i can't begin to comprehend.

now that i have taken a step back, i can finally see. i see everything; i see myself; i see you. i no longer beg for acceptance. i merely require it. if it is not received, i move on. no hard feelings or non-reciprocated investment.

there is no time for that anymore; there is so much else.




for those of you right-brainers, see below: